


I will always love you

by Valaena_the_Historyteller1



Series: New Us [1]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Divorce, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25078348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valaena_the_Historyteller1/pseuds/Valaena_the_Historyteller1
Summary: While waiting for Maedhros to get out of Mandos, Fingon decides to put everything in his life in order. It costs much, but, after the return of the person he loves and a sweet scene on a beach, it is worth it. Much more than everything else he had done in his life.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: New Us [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824457
Comments: 1
Kudos: 54





	I will always love you

**Author's Note:**

> An oneshot to feed your imagination.

Upon coming back, Fingon was more lost than when he first stepped into Mandos. He tried, he definitely tried, to continue with his life as he had before, with his wife and son and parents and siblings… it was no use. He continued feeling of doing something wrong was boring a hole in his fëa. Each day, he felt that bleeding thing in his heart he had felt since ever before the Nirnaeth Arnoediad. Each day, it got bigger. And no smiles from his wife, or even from his mother helped that.

To avoid the sensation, he started doing a lot of things he didn´t do before. He threw himself entirely to help Fingolfin and Finarfin in the political affairs of the Realm, he spent time with Anairë, meeting Ereinion and developing that father-son bond he lost due to his own stupidity, strolling with his wife, hunting with Aredhel, discussing construction work with Turgon and even practising with Argon… everything to stop thinking about that. But it was no use. Everything reminded him of that injury not even Námo could heal. He even had a few episodes where it has become unbearable. The most memorable of them was while he was shopping with Lindë.

“Look at that!!” she said, dragging him to a jewellery shop. He tried not to roll his eyes, having seen much better jewels from the forges of his uncle Fëanor, but refused to say anything. Specially because he didn´t want to think about how good they looked adorning someone´s flame hair… and then he saw them. Two bracelets, silver, one with red gems, the other blue. “How does this earrings… Finno? Are you alright?"

He didn´t answer. He just fled. Containing sobs which rattled his chest, making him double once he stopped running, falling to the ground in a complete mess. Tears spilled as he contained his screams with one hand on his mouth. Because, centuries after, nothing changed. He loved Maedhros Feanorion. Simple as that. A damn kinslayer,   
murderer, outlaw… his best friend, his true bond, his destiny.

Fingon remembered really well the day he decided to confess his feelings to the older elf. He was nervous, conscious that this was unacceptable and that the redhead was probably going to reject him. but that didn´t happened. Maitimo not only accepted his feelings, but returned them. That first kiss after the declaration… he never felt happier. The few centuries that they spent as lovers in Valinor, his decision to go against all traditions and society rules to ask Nelyo to spend his life with him, bracelets identical to the ones he saw before acting as engagement bands. Oh, the joy of slipping the blue and silver one of Nelyo´s wrist… then all came crashing down on them.

The Darkening was not only the start for a new Era for the Elves, but for them as well. They were quickly ripped apart by their fathers, the Hellcaraxë, the wars and then… then duty got in the middle. Duty to reign, duty towards their people, duty to have an heir. Maitimo also understood that, having his own duty to fulfil, even after he resigned his crown. He returned Fingon his bracelet, smiling and reminding him of his feelings… the image hurt even more because of that. And his lover in his wedding, toasting to the newlyweds, plastering a fake smile and enduring it for his sake… it was never going to leave his mind.

“Finno, sweetie” Anairë appeared in that moment, covered in long veil that nearly framed all his figure. She had a serious expression, watching her son quickly cover his tears and straightening himself.

“Ammë…”

“I was wondering” the nís began, making as if nothing was happening there. “if you wanted to go ridding with me this afternoon. I first asked Irissë to come with me, but she went hunting with her friends and Argon is busy too.” She said, clearly implying that he had to accept. “Would you accompany me?”

“Of course, let me get Ereinion…”

“No, don´t bother him, I want to have some mother-child time” the princess said. “Come”

“Lindë…”

“I will send a servant to her, explaining where you are and that she should go home alone. I bet she won´t mind” Fingon shuddered, knowing full well that his wife would mind. And mind a lot. Since he was reborn, she has been trying to reconstruct whatever relationship she believed they had before Ereinion´s birth to no avail. He simply nodded and try to not give her false hopes. It was just that… it was for nothing. For Eru´s sake, they didn´t even sleep in the same room anymore!! She should have gotten the message by now!!

“As you say, Ammë” he finally said, accompanying her to his father´s house, from where he emerged a few hours later with a big horse, by his mother´s side. He looked at her, trying not to cower. Anairë was on a mission, that was obvious. Her face told him all. Also where she was heading to. “You know, when you want to talk to us without anyone interrupting, not even Atar, you always come here.”

“Well, it´s a good place, don’t you think” it was. It was a camp big enough to house the entire family in a picnic, but away enough of the civilization to have a personal chat. “Besides, it held so many memories. In this place I talked to Irissë for the first time about the wonders of womanhood…”

“I didn´t need to know that” he said, trying to avoid thinking about his wild sister and her wonderment at hearing of the pleasures of sex the first time. Or at her chaotic current sexual life. “What do you want to talk about, Ammë?”

“Of anything, really, I only wanted to give you back this” she handed him over a little coffer, which he received immediately. “One of your followers gave it to me after Ereinion confided it to her. He said your wife found them in your personal belongings after the Nirnaeth and… thought they were for her. She didn´t want to deprive you of the joy of handing them to her in person after you were rebodied.” he frowned, then opened the coffer. He froze. It was his and Maitimo´s engagement bands. “But I know what they were really for.”

“A… Ammë…”

“I always knew you were especial, sweetie. I just didn´t knew how until I saw you behind the statue of Varda once, kissing Maitimo” he went bright pink in a second, then put a scared face. “Oh, don´t be like that, child. I didn´t tell anyone, no?”

“I… I´m sorry”

“Don´t be, the heart wants what it wants. And the kind of partner it will beat for is not always our choice” Anairë caressed his hair once more, like she used to do when he was an elfling. “Besides, he was good to you. I have yet to see you happier than when he was in your life.” He opened his mouth to say something, but she put a finger in his mouth. “It´s okay, sweetheart, I accept you as you are.”

“Ammë…” he mentally thanked the Valar for having such an understanding mother. She was more than he deserved. “Thank you, Ammë. But I don´t know if…”

“The first step is the hardest to make, Finno dear. And the first one for you is… accept that you will never make Lindë happy. And she will never make YOU happy, which is what I´m more concerned about.”

“I… I have already thought about that… and you are right” he sighed. “It´s just that… I´m scared of losing you all. My family… Atar in particular have some expectation on me and won´t forgive me if I do something so unforgivable as… as declaring myself a pervert…”

“You are not a pervert, my son, you are a person who loves another of his same sex. There is nothing wrong in that. Eru created love and yours for Maitimo… it´s nothing to be ashamed of, dear. It inspired you to become the war hero I´m so proud of. He made you better and you him too” she smiled. “He complimented you well.”

“Atar will never forgive me”

“Leave your father to me” Anairë instructed. “He will be mad for a few years, maybe even a century, Turúkano too, but they will eventually come to terms with your sexuality and accept you. Perhaps even welcome Maitimo into the family?”

“I wouldn´t hope for that much, but thank you for the hopeful thinking” Fingon said, somehow feeling a little bit better. His mother then pulled from her picnic basket a few of his favourite dishes to give him courage.

And it worked. That day, he arrived home after leaving Anairë in her house, cradling the two bracelets to his chest as if it was a silmaril. He opened the door of the house, finding Ereinion reading in the sofa.

“I was starting to wonder if darenana eat you” Gil-Galad said, putting his book aside. “Nana arrived earlier, very upset and… are those THE bands?” he asked, recognizing the jewels. “If you wanted to pick those from her you only had to ask me to distract her. I would have gladly taken your place in her shopping trip.”

“It… It´s not what you believe it is” his father answered, lowering his gaze and biting his lower lip. “Your mother… I don´t know how she will take it…”

“Take what?” Lindë entered in that moment, noticing the jewels immediately. She smiled, approaching him, ready to receive the bracelets. “It´s that a gift for me? Sorry for spoiling the surprise, by the way, I just thought that…”

“I want the divorce” he immediately said, before he could lose his resolve. Everything around him seemed to freeze that moment, even his wife´s face of complete astonishment. He knew she was wondering what she has done wrong, but… “Lindë, you have done nothing wrong. It´s just that… the time for duty ended and now, now it´s peaceful times. For love.”

“Wha… What? I don´t understand”

“I… I need to confess you something” he raised the jewels. “This were not gifts for you. I´m sorry that you thought that, but… they are engagement bands. To someone else. I… I was going to marry another person before my father got in the middle, with his list of approved candidates for wife… for me to do my duty” the astonishment in Lindë´s face was replaced by rage. “I´m sorry I didn´t mention you that…”

“Mention me what? That as soon as you had your heir, you duty done, you would abandon me? That you never loved me?” her cold rage made him shudder, but he deserved it. In fact, he deserved everything she would throw his side. He tried to reach her, but she rejected him, taking a few steps back. “Don´t worry, I´m not getting in your way. As you said, it´s time for love.”

“Lindë…” a tiny thing collided with his face in that moment. He caught that thing on reflect. It was a ring.

“You don´t even need to ask, I´m releasing you” she said, glaring at him. “I can´t believe I lost so many centuries by your side. And you…” she gritted her teeth. “Hope your beloved rejects you, so you know how it feels. To have your heart broken, shattered, by someone who you think loved you.”

“Lindë…”

“It´s what you deserve after all!!” she stormed out of the place in a rage, leaving her son and her soon-to-be ex husband there, alone. Ereinion then turned to his father, glaring at him.

“You couldn´t have broken the news with a little bit more tact?” he asked, angry. Then looked at those bands. “I should have left them behind in Endor. At least that way we won´t be having this problem now.”

“I would have done it anyway”

“I know” the younger elf sighed. “You are as stubborn as me, if you really love her…” he shuddered. “Don´t take it wrong, I´m still mad at you, but… I saw that you two weren´t happy together and, if you didn´t love each other, this was the best choice” Fingon moved to embrace his son, but this held a hand up. “Anyway, don´t get close to me until I have cooled up a bit. And that nís you are talking about… keep her away from me for a time, unless you want me to become another Fëanor.”

“I doubt that” The Valiant then decided to take a risk and tell his child the whole true. “In fact, it´s a nér I love.”

“What?!”

“I… I loved a nér, not a nís. I… I like males” he confessed, hoping he had not opened his damn mouth. The last thing he needed was to push Ereinion away now that they have begun to get close. “I know it sounds scandalous, but…”

“Great, another reason divorce is a good plan” he breathed in and out, trying to keep his calm. He was not homophobic… well, he was a bit culturally predisposed, he was a noldo and lived in their court enough time to develop it, but it wasn´t as if he was going to run around calling Fingon names and other things just because he was gay. Besides… he didn´t mention this much, but he deeply teleri in the heart and, while they weren´t openly accepting of things like that, they weren´t precisely reproving of it either. In fact, as long as the two parts were adults and fully conscious of their actions, they didn´t give it much of a thought.

“You are taking this better than I thought”

“What do you think? That I was going to start praying and throwing curses at you just because you are gay? Círdan educated me better than that” and there it was again. The twist in Fingon´s heart at the mention of Círdan. “I´m not a Vanya”

“You have Vanya blood”

“But not their piousness!!” Ereinion declared, before coughing and walking away. “Anyway, I´m still mad at you for what you did to Nana, so I´m going to stay at Círdan´s a few days. Don´t contact me until I have cooled out. And your nér… maybe I will be ready to meet him in a century or two."

“Thank you for your comprehension”

“Thank me when I had stomached it all”

-A few years later-

“Hello, Arien” said Fingon, greeting the sun early thing in the morning, exiting his cottage with a cup of water in his hands. It had become his daily routine since he started living there, on a solitary beach. After his divorce and confession, he left the mansion he was living in until then to Lindë and Ereinion as compensation. She didn´t want anything from him, so the house was now Ereinion´s… or at least he believes it was. His former wife departed to Alqualonde soon after their separation. As for his family, his father and Turgon still didn´t talk to him. Anairë promised on her last visit that she was making progress and soon they will come around, but he didn´t believe it. She visited now and then, mostly leaving him to himself as he waited. Aredhel came from now on then, mainly when she wanted somewhere to sleep after a wild night… he was not very glad to wake up to her hurling noises, but appreciate the company. And Argon… he visited a lot before, but since he hooked up with some Vanya nís, he stopped his visits. It was lonely, but it was a good life.

No, really, it was. Since his divorce, the news of his sexuality have spread like fire among the elven society and soon he was ostracised by the people he once considered his supporters and friends. Not all, of course, but some of them. Specially those with vanya ascendance. Noldos were different, a little bit more accepting… except his father, of course, but tended to just leave him alone. Completely alone. But he wasn´t complaining, he was doing great for an elf who just came out as gay (as Ereinion put it, not him). The house he currently owned was tiny for a Prince or a former High King, just a vacation house, but for just him was okay. It was more than enough.

“I didn´t think I would ever find you” a known voice spoke near him. his cup felt to the ground as he watched a hooded figure approach him. The nér lowered his hood, revealing a red crown of hair. His heart speed up, Maitimo was here. At last. “I… I want to apologize for all the trouble I caused you and…”

“Trouble, what trouble?” was the only thing he managed to say as he walked down the stairs of his cottage to embrace him. Maedhros took a step away from him, unsure. What if… what if Fingon doesn´t love him anymore? Well, it would be better like that. He was a kinslayer, a murderer, an outlaw… he didn´t deserve him. but… he couldn´t help but…

“The trouble having a kinslaying cousin caused you. Politically, I mean” he continued his apology, hoping that at least some little brace of their love survived enough to make Finno forgive him. “I´m due for Formenos, my whole family is. We have been living in Tirion lately just so my mother and father reconcile, but now…”

“Wait, you are telling me that you have been on Tirion for a while and didn´t tell me?!” now he was mad. He would have rushed to Tirion if he knew Nelyo was there.

“I tried to leave you alone, but I… couldn´t go without saying goodbye and… and…”

“Goodbye?! YOU CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO SAY GOODBYE?!” the redhead lifted his head in a panic, nearly running away. He would have done it if not for the armful full of Fingon he received next. And the nearly forceful kiss next, as Fingon threw them on the ground with his weight. The tongue invading his mouth was sooo good. It felt fine. “I love you, you big bastard, and if you doubt it even for a second you are a fool as big as your father. I never stopped loving you.”

“Fi… Finno, you wife and son...”

“Ereinion already knows and Lindë has her freedom. She could remarry for all I care” he caressed the Feanorion´s face. “I love you, only you. How could you even doubt it after all we went through?”

“I… I believe your wife…”

“Lindë? What did I do for her that made you believe that?” he was suddenly angry. What was Nelyo talking about? “Did I crossed a damn ice bridge for her?! Did I take a stroll through the most dangerous place in a complete continent for her?! Did I plan a damn miracle rescue for her?! Did I prayed to a fucking Vala when I thought they have forsaken us for her?! DID I DEFY ALL TRADITIONS IN ARDA AND ENDOR FOR HER?!!” Maedhros was without speech. Putting it like that… “I love you, have always loved you and will ever love you. No one else. You heard me, no one else.”

“I… I was certain that I lost your love in the Nirnaeth…”

“That was all my fault” Finno declared, before giving Orodreth and his troops a fair share of the fault. “I never held it up to you. In fact, I was hoping that you… forgave me for that?”

“If you didn´t held my actions against me, even knowing them, there is nothing to forgive, melmenya” answered Maitimo, suddenly very happy. He was certain he didn´t deserve this, but… but he couldn´t help it. He was joyful!!! His Finno was still his. And he still has Elrond and Maglor and his other brothers and parents… he didn´t know what he had done to deserve so many blessings. “Let´s start again.”

“Only if it´s from where we left it” Findékano said, smiling at him before kissing the redhead. Then he lifted himself, helping the other up. “Oh, before I forget” he ran towards the little house before returning with a set of well-known bracelets. Nelyo was about to ask for them, but one was slipped into his wrist before he could. “Never again you ever think about leaving me.”

“Only if you do the same” he said, remembering the sad tears he shed after he attended to Finno´s wedding. “You know, my father could do new ones for you. Not to insult your work, but you can be a little bit of a bad smith.”

“Sorry for not having the Feanorian talent” Fingon said as he slipped his bracelet in it´s place. “Maybe I will commission him the wedding bands… or Tyelpe” he shuddered when he imagined his uncle´s angry face when asking him permission to wed his firstborn. “Tyelpe would be the safest bet.”

“He vowed never to make another ring”

“Dammit”

While they were talking, two younger elves were watching the endearing scene. Ereinion, doubting his father´s sanity and wondering if he should have done something, couldn´t help but feel happy at how joyful his father looked. Hell, he hasn´t seen him like that in all his life!! Maybe the Feanorion was good for something after all. Meanwhile, Elrond wondered if he should intrude now. He decided not, his atya looked happier than he remembered after all, but… but he couldn´t help but remember that Fingon´s death because of stupidity was the beginning of Nelyo´s depression. He will have to asses their new relationship closely, to make sure he could entrust his father to that idiot elf. For now, he was going to watch. Just as Celebrian told him to.

-A century later-

“Fingon, are you here?” Fingolfin asked as he intruded in his son´s privacy. He hasn´t bothered to talk to Finno in more than a century, despite all of his wife´s warnings, but now… now he had gotten over his prejudice enough to try and reach to Finno again. He just… he wanted to recover his son and he didn´t care what kind of boyfriend he had anymore. He wanted Finno back. “Finno? It´s atar, are you here?!”

No answer. He walked through the house, wondering if he should wait for him to come back, but no. the house looked inhabited for a good time, so there was no use in waiting. He soon found a letter carefully folded sitting in a table, opened and addressed to Anairë. The nér opened it and read carefully.

“What?!” he couldn´t help but ask when he finished reading the letter. Fingon have moved to Formenos? With Nelyafinwë?! And they were married?! Since when?! How could this have happened?! When did it happened?! Nolofinwë continued to scream questions to the sky, wondering if he had lost Fingon forever because he took too much time to deal with his issues. But, what can he do? Turn back time?!

“I´m not like you, I prefer to see my boy happy with the man he loves than unhappy socially accepted” Fëánaro´s words the day he departed to Formenos to never emerge again bite him with vengeance. Should he have done the same? Offer the couple his support? To leave aside his prejudice quickly?

“Finno…” he didn´t know anymore how to direct to his own boy. He just hoped he still have a chance… but in Fëánaro´s city? How could he, how? HOW?!

**Author's Note:**

> It was something that was running around in my mind lately and I have to post it for you. Hope you enjoy it!!


End file.
